Thursday, March 24, 2011

Back Fat

I just had a semi-reassuring moment. While looking in the mirror completely naked after a bath, I was frowning at my "back fat"...two rolls or more like flaps of skin that hang somewhere near the bottom of my rib cage along the flank of my back. The bright, shining moment came when I realized that as I pulled my pancake boob upward and inward, the back fat went away.

You may be wondering why this is a good thing.

Turns out all I need is boob lift instead of a boob lift AND liposuction on my back. This would save me money.

And pain.

Now...I just need that boob lift!


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

To My Valentine

I'm a couple of days behind, but it's my days off when I am alone with just my son that I am reminded the most of how much I completely adore my husband. It starts by him waking me up to tell me he is leaving for work (a 24 hour shift) and he smells so fresh and clean. He rubs and kisses my head then sets the alarm for 10 minutes later so I can doze back off even though it's really time to get the girls up for school. Once the girls are off, I enjoy my coffee that he's made and take a few minutes for myself before Eli wakes up. I watch programs he has DVR'd for me when I was working or return emails, jump on the elliptical, etc. Then that sweet child that is a mini-me of my husband wakes up and brightens my day. We snuggle while he drinks his morning bottle and I rub his little fuzzy head and awe at how his hair falls exactly like his daddy's. I get busy with laundry, lunch and chores when Eli goes down for his noontime nap and it's then that it really hits me how much I miss Chase. I pick up laundry that smells so yummy and notice that a pair of his jeans should now be put on his "work clothes" shelf because they are getting worn thin in places. This makes me smile. Then I make our bed and get sad because I know I will be sleeping in it alone tonight and hoping and praying that if he doesn't get to sleep through the night without a call, then at least God keep him safe. I make myself a plate of whatever fabulousness he created the night before for dinner. I throw the empty bottle of wine that we finished off when I got home from work in the trash and smile about how we bought it this weekend because it was the same wine that we were each a glass into Thanksgiving 2009 when I suddenly remembered I had a pregnancy test that I needed to take and we discovered we had created our child. I go outside to bring up the trash can that he so kindly took out to the curb this morning before he left for work. I remind myself to take a "before" picture of the front of the house because by this time next week he will have the trim completely repainted and looking as fantastic as the backside of the house looks after his last two days of labor. Then I am reminded of how well he provides and maintains for me and our family. So then I text him to tell him how much I miss him and I get a text back that says "I miss you more my luvy". So I text him about what his son is doing and what I am trying to accomplish and that I love him and he says "Ok my darlin. I luv you more." And now I am staring at a pile of his laundry and I've never been so happy and moved in all my life by a variety of colors of men's hanes boxer briefs or by how amazing I think he looks in that thermal knit faded red long-sleeved shirt that is hanging next to the washing machine.

Never in my life have I given my heart so completely to another person. Children don't count. They take your heart. But to Chase I give mine freely. Only 17 hours and 20 minutes until I can see him again!


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Time Marches On

Today marks one month until I turn 35. I have been dreading this all year. I used to think that I would be totally cool about growing older. That I would welcome the wisdom that comes with experience and that I would embrace my wrinkles and "seasoning". I very much appreciate the beauty that I see in middle-aged and older women. But I went off and married a younger man and started living for the first time in my life and I want to hold on to every second!!

And then something really bad happened. Within a week of weaning my sweet baby off the breast, I found a lump. Actually I didn't find it. My husband did. Since I had just stopped breastfeeding I thought it was probably just a duct that had hardened or clogged. But it was painless and larger than I was comfortable with. I decided to wait it out and see if it reduced or disappeared altogether. It hasn't. So the day my son turned 6 months old, I went to see my doctor. And now I wait 3 more days and I will have my first mammogram and breast ultrasound. And possibly a needle biopsy. And I am not looking forward to it. I am scared and strangely calm at the same time. I could go on and on about all of the emotions I am experiencing. But I will save it for my Wednesday blog after I have had all of the testing done.

Just a fact I discovered for those of you that don't know, 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. One thing I have going for age. In the world of breast cancer, 34 going on 35 is still considered very young! I'll hold onto that.


Sunday, November 28, 2010


So I'm not a very good blogger-er. I've made a few changes...went back to a job that I loved but the schedule wasn't very good but now they have made adjustments so I can be semi-parttime (3 days a week) which is great because now either myself or my husband, or both, is home all the time eliminating the need for child care. I weaned the baby, which was sad but my 11 year old breast pump died, bless her heart. I had decreased the amount I was pumping to just 2 sessions a day so it wasn't tooo painful. He is adjusting well, so that's all that matters.

I'm starting to feel that holiday panic. I really don't like holidays anymore. When I was married the first time, I remember two of my divorced co-workers groaning about how much they hated the holidays and both attributed this feeling to their divorces. They both had children, so the holidays are divided equally, and both of the attested to loving Christmas and going all out for the festivities prior to the divorces. I really just thought they were being overly bitter. But now I know there's something to it. Because although I am divorced and I do have to share my girls with my X, I do have a very loving husband and now a brand new baby boy to ease the sorrow of missing the girls (though nothing takes their place) but I really haven't noticed too much more merriment on my part. I think divorce really takes so much more from you than you realize. I was so relieved when it was over, and I wouldn't go back and change anything for certain, but it does rip you into pieces and even if you put those pieces back together, you can still see the globs of glue holding it in place.

I'm just holding out for that Christmas Eve candlelight service because that's what Christmas is about to me. And this year I will get to share it with my amazing husband and that new baby boy. And the girls will be there in my heart and I'll just tell myself that whatever they are doing with their dad, it's probably good for them in some way (even if it just makes them appreciative of their lives with us). And Christmas is a day on the calendar, but it's the Christmas spirit that makes it special and that can happen on any day, so we will create that when they are back home with their family here.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Post partum depression

I think I have post-partum depression. I hate to even say that, I'll be honest. Maybe that's sending the wrong message to other mommies but I feel weak just putting that out there. I thought that after high school, my early 20's, and getting rid of an abusive ex-husband, my self-esteem had recovered. Apparently not the case. I should be happy. My baby is a healthy chunk of lovin'. My husband is amazingly supportive. My girls are doing great in school and in spite of their pre-teen hormone surges, are usually pretty entertaining to be around. I am about to start a promising new job that will allow me to be home more without putting a financial strain on my husband. And I have lost all but 5 pounds of the weight I gained in pregnancy and my son is 11 weeks old (which after all the sausage I ate during my pregnancy, that is quite an accomplishment!!). But doubt creeps in. I don't feel skinny enough, pretty enough, young enough, energetic enough, fun enough, happy enough, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!! And what do I do when I feel insecure? Oh I usually do something really flattering and try to attack someone else! (I'm being "startastic" as Autumn would say). Which makes me feel even worse! I'm not a big supporter of medication so this is my plan:

1. Get outside more
2. Go for a walk at least 3 times/week
3. Think of something nice about my next target when I want to lash out
4. Pray more
5. Surround myself with goodness
6. Breath in and out slowly
7. Drink more water
8. Eat more fruit (cause it makes me feel good and happy)
9. Hug my children more
10. Thank God for the many blessings I have

And enjoy a glass of wine on the patio with my husband


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

working mom

Why is it so hard to be a working mom? Why is it that the dads can go to work and fill fulfilled that he is doing the right thing for the family without a twinge of guilt but I start to feel like crap the minute I back out of the driveway, if not before. From the second I wake the girls up and start rushing them along and cursing under my breath the tangles in their hair and why can't Autumn just go one day without struggling with me over her clothes, shoes, getting her planner signed the night the moment I lay them down at night and say their prayers (also rushing because I still have things I need to get done before I can go to bed so that maybe, just maybe I won't be so rushed the next morning). Speaking of needing to get things done...I pause this blog for a moment to text the babysitter begging her to watch Eli on Thursday because I don't think I will be able to work from home as I had hoped AND my husband has a work obligation that he will do guilt-free.

{Insert elevator music here}

Ok, I'm back. Now please don't think I am bashing my husband in any way because he is the best at what he does. I'm sure his boss would clone him if he could. Chase is also the best dad I've ever known. Not only does he take care of our son all day long, toting him to Lowe's, Wal-mart, Papa-Ro's house to mow the lawn, etc, but he also takes care of the girls that aren't even biologically his AND he smiles the whole time AND still puts FABULOUS meals on the table every night. (Don't even get me started on the homemade chicken pot pie he made last night! I am salivating just thinking about it!) I am just jealous how men seem to know their place in the family without self-loathing for having to sacrifice this or that.

I have always felt "called" to be a nurse and I know that I have a talent for my profession. And I was definitely called to be a mother. But I haven't found that happy balance between the two. Maybe I never will. Maybe this is some curse because of Eve and the damn apple right there along with painful childbirth, menstruation and hairy legs! I don't know the method behind the madness but I know the frustration I feel almost every night when I think I could've been better to my children than I was that day. That I wish I had taken just 60 more seconds to tell them that they are my life. Maybe tomorrow...


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tales from the Back Seat

Today after picking the girls and Eli up from the sitter, I heard this conversation in the back seat of the car:

Bailee, matter-of-factly, "I asked you to pass me my cleats, Autumn. Oh, and stop eating your boogers."

Autumn...not a single word.

I can imagine Eli just sat there wide-eyed as if to say "somebody get me outta here! these chicks are crazy!"