Monday, October 19, 2009

disappointment

I am finding a theme that spans the last few days of my life. The theme is a sad one but one we all have to come to terms with from time to time. Its our old friend disappointment. I think that disappointment comes from having expectations. And also because we forget that our peers, friends, family, spouses are all human beings. I experienced this intensly with someone very close to me this weekend. I expected a certain response from this individual and was met with the opposite. I was devastated. Sincerely devastated. I was met with some other old friends of mine. You probably know these guys, too. The first one that jumped to the rescue was "hurry, run the other way. Just get out of this situation now before you have to endure more disappointment." Followed closely by "you should have known better than to try to trust someone. Never trust anyone. Ever." And then good old anger took hold. So I slammed a door and stomped around a little. Had a few mad, hot tears come down. Then my least favorite of all and the one I try the hardest to avoid at all costs--even if it means I don't experience everything I would like to experience in life--and that's "now don't you feel stupid. Stupid for believing in this person in the first place. Stupid for getting so comfortable and letting your guard down. Stupid for crying now. Stupid if you stay in this situation and stupid if you go." And I went back and forth through these guys most of the weekend. And deep down I knew I was right and wrong at the same time. Then I realized that I had disappointed the offending individual as well. Then I wondered why I thought my feelings were more important than their feelings. Then a little bit of a calm came over me and I realized this must be how God feels when we fail him. He knows we are going to (like deep down I knew my person would eventually somehow, some way) and I am sure He is hoping we will get it right this time. But we don't. I didn't. My special person didn't. We let Him down.

That process takes...however long...but what takes longer is recovering from the disapointment. That is where I really need Gods help. And just as I am sitting here typing this it hits me. Its love. Unconditional love. That's the recovery process. See, this is new to me. I had a significant previous relationship that left me with loads of disappointment. After a while, I didn't even have expectations of that person. But I also didn't have unconditional love for that person. And that is why it is a "previous" relationship.

I am a work in progress. We all are. I watched my little daughter deal with disappointment tonight. And I thanked God that He gave me a crash course this weekend so that I could show her sympathy. I know that she will be disappointed many, many times in her life. But I hope that through my example she will know what unconditional love is. And I hope she will learn to trust and not be a prisoner to fear like I was for many years. Because life can be sooo sweet when you choose to feel and chose not to fear.

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