Today started as a very emotional Thanksgiving for me. I have so much to be thankful for (don't we all?) but I was a little sad. It was my first Thanksgiving married to Chase and we got to host it at our house that I am so proud of. But it was the girls' turn to spend the holdiday with their dad. So sharing the holiday with them meant only a telephone conversation earlier this morning. I don't know about you, but a holiday without my children is hardly a holiday. It just is not the same. But we had a nice dinner and a nice visit with my in-laws and my new niece who is almost a year old and such a gorgeous, happy baby. But at the end of the day I was still feeling a little "empty". Until.............................
Can't tell you! Not just yet! But soon, I hope!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
So I haven't been sleeping very well at night. Ya know, waking up every hour or so. And I have been having reeeeaaaallly crazy dreams. One night last week I dreamt I was at work at my old job and my mouth felt weird. So I went to the mirror to examine it and realized that I had an additional tooth growing in on the bottom left, second from the middle tooth. I was like a shark, growing rows of teeth! So, in my dream I pulled the tooth that was in the back. And suddenly the other tooth just fell out! So I went from having two teeth in that spot to NO TEETH in that spot! I was horrified and distressed and when my husband woke me up I was using my tongue to fill in that spot to see if it was real! So he is laughing at me and I tell him about my dream. Then we both have a good laugh and compared me to a few of the toothless residents in the county we live in (unfortunately there are quite a few). And he tells me that he saw Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, on Oprah last week. He excitedly tells me that it was a dream she had that inspired her to write the books. Then he says "Babe, you're a good writer. Maybe you should start writing stories about your dreams then we could be rich like that Twilight lady!" I just laughed and said "Sorry honey, but I really don't think they are going to want to make a major motion picture series about a toothless, bra-less, little-Richard-hair lady from Grayson County!"
(have to tell the Little-Richard-hair story some other time, but the pic above is from our honeymoon and it's a teaser for the story)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I attended two friends wedding earlier in the week. It's the first wedding I have attended since my own six months ago. It's funny...I had been married before but didn't have a "wedding". We were married alone in a foreign country with a proverbial "shotgun" looming. So I loooovvveed my wedding to Chase. First of all, it wasn't just a wedding. It was a big party celebrating the beginning of a new life for both of us. And it was nearly perfect. But somehow since that day, instead of enjoying our new life and new beginning, I have been battling old demons that I seemed to have carried with me from my previous marriage. Just this past week I have been able to pinpoint what my actual problem is. My dear, sweet, amazing husband has been worried that I don't trust him because it probably comes across that I don't when nothing could actually be farther from the truth. What I have come to realize is that it really has nothing to do with him as a person at all. You could take him out of the equation and plug any average Joe in and I would be dealing with the same emotions I have since we married. I'm sure most people in their second marriage, and especially people who have been through an emotionally abusive relationship, feel this way but may not even realize it. It's not Chase that I can't trust....what plagues me is that I fear I can't trust myself. And I don't mean that I am not trust-worthy. I just am afraid to trust my own judgement. To people who have never been in a disrespectful, abusive marriage or relationship, you may not understand this. And you are lucky. It all boils down to this: I, through a series of bad decisions, chose my ex-husband. I married him. I stayed married to him for almost 8 years. And I listened as he verbally and mentally and emotionally abused me. And even the most confident person can be broken or at least take a severe hit to their ego. There were many times he told me that this behavior was normal in a marriage. And I started to wonder if I were the crazy one and maybe he was right and I had been living in a fairy tale all along with my expectations. Many people wonder how I ended up with him in the first place. I wish I could be an outsider looking in and answer that question. Even more people wonder why and how I stayed with him as long as I did. The only answer I have to that is that I had two little girls and I believed that marriage was meant to be forever regardless of the situation. I still believe that. But not regardless of the situation and no one should ever stay in an abusive relationship.
So maybe now you can see how and why I question my judgement. It's a hard thing to wrap your brain around because I KNOW how wonderful Chase is. I KNOW he would rather die than to see me hurt in any way. And I trust him more than I could ever trust another human being. He is my better half. And I will spend the rest of my life with him without a doubt.
So back to the wedding...the minister wrote the vows for my friends. And he was talking about the trying times in a marriage and advising on how to get through those times. I'm sure I will butcher his verbage but it went something like this "we become that which we think of all day". Meaning, if we think negativity we will become negativity. And I was bringing that into my marriage with my constant paranoia. And it was toxic.
So now when I have those insecure moments, and I have no doubt that over time they will decrease but I don't know if they will ever go completely away, if I think of all the ways my husband shows his love for me. And I think of all the ways I love him. And all the good we do for each other. Then that's what I become. And all of that negativity fades away and just seems silly.
I read a book once called "love is a decision". It is a great book and I do think that love is a decision. Of course, a little chemistry sure doesn't hurt. But our relationships are what we make it. And we teach each other how to treat each other. And I am so thankful for my many blessings and for Santos and Lisa for reminding me how lucky I am. And thanks to God for showing me how to be quiet and listen to Him. Because it's all just a lesson in Faith.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I have been up and down today. I started a new job a little bit ago and I was pretty excited to go to a facility that I really like even if it is a little more of a challenge for me. And I hung in there pretty well most of the morning, even though I was struggling with my battle of stifling my insecurities about a certain recurrent issue lately (that's a whole other very unflattering blog). I definitely earned my money today at work and then hit horrible traffic on the way home so I had to call my neighbor and have her snag my children at the bus stop for a few minutes until I got home. And somehow during that commute a windfall of jealousy/depression/sadness/anger at myself for feeling all of the above came over me. I missed my husband. I wanted him to be home when I got home instead of working at his job that is at times hard for me to understand. It's the weirdest thing! At the same time that I completely adore him for what he does and he is a true hero in my eyes and I "get" that he has a very special gift that makes him capable of what he does, I struggle with the lifestyle and resent it for the time he is away and sometimes it is even difficult to deal with the people he spends that time with. Today was one of those days. So as I was driving, I get a text from my husband that he was going to be flying directly over me within minutes. So I pulled over and watched for him and low-and-behold there he came over the horizon. I actually teared up when I saw him. We were texting each other. He saw me and I saw him. And I just needed that. Right then.