Sunday, November 15, 2009

we are what we think

I attended two friends wedding earlier in the week. It's the first wedding I have attended since my own six months ago. It's funny...I had been married before but didn't have a "wedding". We were married alone in a foreign country with a proverbial "shotgun" looming. So I loooovvveed my wedding to Chase. First of all, it wasn't just a wedding. It was a big party celebrating the beginning of a new life for both of us. And it was nearly perfect. But somehow since that day, instead of enjoying our new life and new beginning, I have been battling old demons that I seemed to have carried with me from my previous marriage. Just this past week I have been able to pinpoint what my actual problem is. My dear, sweet, amazing husband has been worried that I don't trust him because it probably comes across that I don't when nothing could actually be farther from the truth. What I have come to realize is that it really has nothing to do with him as a person at all. You could take him out of the equation and plug any average Joe in and I would be dealing with the same emotions I have since we married. I'm sure most people in their second marriage, and especially people who have been through an emotionally abusive relationship, feel this way but may not even realize it. It's not Chase that I can't trust....what plagues me is that I fear I can't trust myself. And I don't mean that I am not trust-worthy. I just am afraid to trust my own judgement. To people who have never been in a disrespectful, abusive marriage or relationship, you may not understand this. And you are lucky. It all boils down to this: I, through a series of bad decisions, chose my ex-husband. I married him. I stayed married to him for almost 8 years. And I listened as he verbally and mentally and emotionally abused me. And even the most confident person can be broken or at least take a severe hit to their ego. There were many times he told me that this behavior was normal in a marriage. And I started to wonder if I were the crazy one and maybe he was right and I had been living in a fairy tale all along with my expectations. Many people wonder how I ended up with him in the first place. I wish I could be an outsider looking in and answer that question. Even more people wonder why and how I stayed with him as long as I did. The only answer I have to that is that I had two little girls and I believed that marriage was meant to be forever regardless of the situation. I still believe that. But not regardless of the situation and no one should ever stay in an abusive relationship.

So maybe now you can see how and why I question my judgement. It's a hard thing to wrap your brain around because I KNOW how wonderful Chase is. I KNOW he would rather die than to see me hurt in any way. And I trust him more than I could ever trust another human being. He is my better half. And I will spend the rest of my life with him without a doubt.

So back to the wedding...the minister wrote the vows for my friends. And he was talking about the trying times in a marriage and advising on how to get through those times. I'm sure I will butcher his verbage but it went something like this "we become that which we think of all day". Meaning, if we think negativity we will become negativity. And I was bringing that into my marriage with my constant paranoia. And it was toxic.

So now when I have those insecure moments, and I have no doubt that over time they will decrease but I don't know if they will ever go completely away, if I think of all the ways my husband shows his love for me. And I think of all the ways I love him. And all the good we do for each other. Then that's what I become. And all of that negativity fades away and just seems silly.

I read a book once called "love is a decision". It is a great book and I do think that love is a decision. Of course, a little chemistry sure doesn't hurt. But our relationships are what we make it. And we teach each other how to treat each other. And I am so thankful for my many blessings and for Santos and Lisa for reminding me how lucky I am. And thanks to God for showing me how to be quiet and listen to Him. Because it's all just a lesson in Faith.

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