Tuesday, September 28, 2010

working mom

Why is it so hard to be a working mom? Why is it that the dads can go to work and fill fulfilled that he is doing the right thing for the family without a twinge of guilt but I start to feel like crap the minute I back out of the driveway, if not before. From the second I wake the girls up and start rushing them along and cursing under my breath the tangles in their hair and why can't Autumn just go one day without struggling with me over her clothes, shoes, getting her planner signed the night before...to the moment I lay them down at night and say their prayers (also rushing because I still have things I need to get done before I can go to bed so that maybe, just maybe I won't be so rushed the next morning). Speaking of needing to get things done...I pause this blog for a moment to text the babysitter begging her to watch Eli on Thursday because I don't think I will be able to work from home as I had hoped AND my husband has a work obligation that he will do guilt-free.

{Insert elevator music here}

Ok, I'm back. Now please don't think I am bashing my husband in any way because he is the best at what he does. I'm sure his boss would clone him if he could. Chase is also the best dad I've ever known. Not only does he take care of our son all day long, toting him to Lowe's, Wal-mart, Papa-Ro's house to mow the lawn, etc, but he also takes care of the girls that aren't even biologically his AND he smiles the whole time AND still puts FABULOUS meals on the table every night. (Don't even get me started on the homemade chicken pot pie he made last night! I am salivating just thinking about it!) I am just jealous how men seem to know their place in the family without self-loathing for having to sacrifice this or that.

I have always felt "called" to be a nurse and I know that I have a talent for my profession. And I was definitely called to be a mother. But I haven't found that happy balance between the two. Maybe I never will. Maybe this is some curse because of Eve and the damn apple right there along with painful childbirth, menstruation and hairy legs! I don't know the method behind the madness but I know the frustration I feel almost every night when I think I could've been better to my children than I was that day. That I wish I had taken just 60 more seconds to tell them that they are my life. Maybe tomorrow...


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tales from the Back Seat

Today after picking the girls and Eli up from the sitter, I heard this conversation in the back seat of the car:

Bailee, matter-of-factly, "I asked you to pass me my cleats, Autumn. Oh, and stop eating your boogers."

Autumn...not a single word.

I can imagine Eli just sat there wide-eyed as if to say "somebody get me outta here! these chicks are crazy!"


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

more "If Eli Could Talk"

TODAY If Eli Could Talk...

he would say "I had a feeling I better be a really good baby tonight cause daddy is at work and I'm getting the vibe that mommy had a very bad day. Oh and that big girl they call Autumn is getting in a lot of trouble and that doesn't look like very much fun so I'm gonna sit here in my bouncy seat and look as cute as possible..."


Saturday, September 11, 2010

"If Eli Could Talk...", a sub-blog from Luvy

This is a little sub-blog that I'll call "If Eli Could Talk..."

Today if Eli could talk he would say...

"Why does that furry thing running around here keep eating my pacifiers? He doesn't even hold them in his mouth right. It's kinda hard to hold them in your mouth right, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Speaking of my pacifier...where is it? I WANT MY PACIFIER!! WHHHAAAAAAHHH!! MOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYY! WHHHAAAAAAHHH!!"

That concludes tonights segment of "If Eli Could Talk..."


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dedicated to Malorie Bullock

While driving home from picking up the girls at their dad's this past weekend, Chase and I were almost side-swiped by a car travelling in the lane to the right of us as they attempted to come into our lane and apparently did not see us. Both cars were travelling at about 70mph and it was on I35N as it comes into south Dallas, so the damages would have been significant if not fatal. This lead to a discussion we had about our own immortality. I shared with Chase the following feelings I had been having.

A few of the latter months of my pregnancy, I began to feel very apprehensive about driving. This is not normal for me. I have always loved driving from the first time I got behind the wheel of my grandpa's ford truck at the ripe old age of 3 and "drove" it across his pasture while sitting on his lap (because of course I couldn't reach the gas pedal AND the steering wheel). I couldn't wait to get my driver's permit and would much rather drive than fly anywhere. But something changed and I began to wonder every time I got behind the wheel if this was going to be the day that I would die as the result of a car accident. Would my children be in the car with me? Would they be able to get me to the hospital in time to save my baby if not me? I even talked to Chase about what he would do if that happened. Would he please make them try to save the baby even if it meant that I died instead and he raised him on his own? I made him promise. What if only I died and the girls had to go live with their dad? How would they grow up? What kind of teenagers would they become? All of these thoughts every single time I drove. And I do ALOT of driving with my job. I was relieved when I began experiencing signs of pre-term labor and the decision was made that I would only see my local patients.

After talking to Chase about this and wondering where this sudden fear was coming from, it dawned on me. Malorie. I never met Malorie. I have lost people very near and dear to me more than once in my life to sudden death or illness and even suicide that leaves so many lingering questions. But for some reason that I really don't understand, Malorie's death has probably impacted me the most as far as instilling the reality and finality of death. At the time of her accident (for those of you who don't know, she was killed when the motorcycle that she was riding on the back of and was carelessly driven by her boyfriend lost control) I certainly liked my boss, Melissa, who is Malorie's mother and my co-worker, Natalie, who is Mal's sister. But I can't say that at THAT time I was terribly close to either of them. In fact, earlier that day I had my first one-on-one discussion with Melissa about some work happenings. I've thought to myself, maybe it's because her death was unexpected or because she was still so young with so much ahead of her (she was 19), but as a nurse I have seen plenty of young people pass away unexpectedly. I have pumped on their chests myself. I even manually pumped the heart of one young man with my gloved hand in an attempt to keep blood moving enough to get him to the operating room table, where he ultimately died.

After all of this pondering, I still don't have a rationale. I know that her passing has brought me much closer to Melissa and especially Natalie. I feel like I need to be a sister to Nat in some way. And I feel like I need to be more of a friend to Melissa and do my job so well that she can relax in her role and feel confident that things will be taken care of. I wonder why the big finger of God pointed at her daughter that night and not mine. The only answer I have to that is that our children are on loan to us by God. He never meant for us to keep them here forever. He carefully chose me to mother Autumn, Bailee and now Eli and obviously my work here is not done. Perhaps Malorie would impact more lives dead than she would've had the opportunity to alive. (I hope that doesn't sound harsh for lack of better verbiage). I don't know.

I have always believed in God and over the last 3 years it has become more and more obvious to me that He is working in my life and providing for me in a way that I would've never imagined possible. I had never feared my own death. I know that I'm not perfect. But I know that He created me in His image, which means He must have a temper! (joke) But now I find myself afraid of dying. Chase thinks it's because I have more depending on me, more to live for. Maybe it's because I have finally learned to enjoy life. That was almost impossible outside of my role as a mother before my divorce. Maybe so. But I think it has something to do with the untimely death of a beautiful, bright young lady that was loved by so many.

I wonder if she knows how much she has made this stranger to her regard her own life.

I think I'll go kiss my babies. Again.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

working mom

Today was my second full day back at work and I must say I was a little bit energized by the mental stimulation. I was very frustrated...but I won't elaborate on that. Eli went to the baby sitter for his first full day. I think she loves him. I think he will love her too. Tomorrow he's back with his daddy all day. I am jealous and relieved at the same time. Jealous, of course, of the time the two of them will spend together. And relieved that he has such a "hands on" dad that is willing and excited to take on the challenge of caring for him all day long, without complaint or agitation. I am also relieved every time I get a text or phone call asking me a question about Eli's care because it lets me know that I am still the expert caregiver...for now.

I almost feel like I am a Christmas package that someone at a fancy department store got all ready because it had something really spectacular inside of it. Like a really, really nice gift bag. Because I feel like I am the wrapping outside of this amazing little gift that I was able to give my husband. It almost feels like what I can imagine a surrogate mom feels. Of course, he is MY baby too but I feel like I had him just FOR Chase. And the other thing I feel that is completely unique to this child that I did not feel with the girls (possibly because neither of them were really "planned" or because I never had the kind of spousal love for their dad that I have for Chase) is that Chase and I were brought together just to have this little man. Believe me, I loved our life before him and I never had a sense of being incomplete in any way and I really don't feel like he "completed" us. I just think that he is going to grow up to be amazing and that it was our responsibility to get him here. I know that is sooo cheesy but there's something about this one. I love all three of my babies more than words and none more than another but each of them have a distinction about them. Bailee is very poised and really always has been. She carries herself well and presents herself very well. Autumn is the free-spirit that is smarter than she actually gives herself credit for. She is also the one that I feel I need to protect the most. And sweet Eli already has this old soul look about him when you look at his little eyes. My friend Regina said when he was two weeks old that "he already looks like he is somebody".

This really wasn't the direction I thought this blog would go but oh well!


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The magic of breastmilk

While Chase and I were driving home from a lunch date in McKinney today, we were discussing the magical powers of breastmilk. We discovered it was more than just nutritional for our son when he was only a couple of weeks old and developed a clogged tear duct. My friend told me to squirt some breastmilk in it and it would clear it right up. And to our amazement, it did!! So since then we have been making little jokes about how powerful my breastmilk is. I'll give you an example:

me "what if I gave Andy (our dog) breastmilk and he started talking!"

him "what if you gave him breastmilk and he started running really fast!"

So today I was thinking about my wilting, on botanical hospice, hydrangeas and I said "what if I put breastmilk on the hydrangeas and tomorrow they were huge and blossoming?!" Chase says, "if that's the case we are going to add it to fertilizer and sell it and make millions!" I said, "oh great! I'll be the only 90 year old woman still hooked up to this pump expressing breatmilk!!"

We had a good laugh. Hope you did too.