So I'm not a very good blogger-er. I've made a few changes...went back to a job that I loved but the schedule wasn't very good but now they have made adjustments so I can be semi-parttime (3 days a week) which is great because now either myself or my husband, or both, is home all the time eliminating the need for child care. I weaned the baby, which was sad but my 11 year old breast pump died, bless her heart. I had decreased the amount I was pumping to just 2 sessions a day so it wasn't tooo painful. He is adjusting well, so that's all that matters.
I'm starting to feel that holiday panic. I really don't like holidays anymore. When I was married the first time, I remember two of my divorced co-workers groaning about how much they hated the holidays and both attributed this feeling to their divorces. They both had children, so the holidays are divided equally, and both of the attested to loving Christmas and going all out for the festivities prior to the divorces. I really just thought they were being overly bitter. But now I know there's something to it. Because although I am divorced and I do have to share my girls with my X, I do have a very loving husband and now a brand new baby boy to ease the sorrow of missing the girls (though nothing takes their place) but I really haven't noticed too much more merriment on my part. I think divorce really takes so much more from you than you realize. I was so relieved when it was over, and I wouldn't go back and change anything for certain, but it does rip you into pieces and even if you put those pieces back together, you can still see the globs of glue holding it in place.
I'm just holding out for that Christmas Eve candlelight service because that's what Christmas is about to me. And this year I will get to share it with my amazing husband and that new baby boy. And the girls will be there in my heart and I'll just tell myself that whatever they are doing with their dad, it's probably good for them in some way (even if it just makes them appreciative of their lives with us). And Christmas is a day on the calendar, but it's the Christmas spirit that makes it special and that can happen on any day, so we will create that when they are back home with their family here.